Yesterday afternoon, during a teaching break, my heart poured out this prayer onto paper:
Oh Lord, I am so in love with you.
I am amazed by how you support me, love me,
correct me, constantly--
even though I constantly miss the mark.
You never give up on me,
even when I continully disown you
through my own arrogance:
thinking I've got it covered,
thinking I know it all,
proclaiming myself to others as someone
worthy of exaltation.
Still, continually, you love me,
a feat that I, in my limited egoic bind,
could never fathom.,
Only through you, my Lord.
Thank you for giving me a taste of heaven.
Thank you for being what I, on my own,
could never be.
Thank you for humbling me,
for showing me that only through YOUR LOVE
can I accomplish great things.
And I will, through you, I know.
It's been an interesting ride since I wrote last, early yesterday afternoon. My teaching went decently well, and then off I zoomed to Reiki class. It was a pretty special Reiki class, I think it's fair to say, because it was time for us to receive our last level 2 attunement, the attunement of the second chakra. By way of brief translation, for those of you who have no idea of what I speak: An attunement is an energetic transmission and raising of vibration, passed from teacher to student. And the second chakra is one of seven main energy centers in the body, namely, the one that most deals with self-worth, creativity/sexuality and the deep unconscious.
The attunement, I think it is fair to say, did not go incredibly well. And by that, I mean only that all of us students (myself and two others) had some mental resistance or blockages that did not allow us to go as deeply into the visualization, and into the deep emotional processing, as we might have hoped. It is a testament to Greg's amazing powers of visualization, and "feeling" where we're at, that he was able to tell this. No way for us to "cheat", then, I guess. And I think he was a little frustrated by this fact. Still, we did receive the attunement, and so we, and Greg, will have to trust that these emotional blockages will bubble up and release themeselves for each of us sometime in the near future.
Interestingly, I did have alot of negative emotional stuff come up and release just after the attunement ended. I felt like I had "failed" the task that had been given me--that I had not lived up to Greg's expectations, or my expectation of myself as a "model Reiki student"--and began feeling a lot of self-hatred at this fact. Even began sobbing (not a first for me, mind you). So, that was pretty intense, and I do wonder if some of that 2nd chakra emotional processing was bubbling up and releasing after all? Hard to say.
I stayed after the class and relaxed with Greg for a while. He felt a strong urge to smoke a cigar and drink some whiskey--I guess giving attunements is pretty intense stuff, so I can't blame him ;-)--so we sat on the front step and I sipped some whiskey with him. And we chatted for a bit about our feelings and aspirations, and about our experiences as teachers. All of which was a helpful way to unwind, I think, after the intense attunement experience.
But when I woke up this morning, I felt gross: Slow, foggy, maybe slightly hung over (if one drink would cause that--I don't know). Ick. And then I was running late to Happy Acres, the preschool I go to every Thursday morning to do music and movement with the kids, due to horrendous traffic and my leaving at the last minute. More yucky and intense feelings emerging.
But all that lifted over the next couple of hours. Did what I needed to do, called the school explained the situation, taught the kids, etc. And the rest of the day went beautifully. I ate lunch with my sister-and-law (nice, b/c we never do that), ran a bunch of errands, taught, and visited the Thursday night meditation at the Baltimore Shambhala Center. Very nice to do that, b/c, despite being a member and somewhat of a leader there, I've been a little emotionally disconnected this past year, and have rarely gone to sitting.
It was nice to sit, and it was nice to connect briefly with the Shambhala members--my friends, and this community that is still dear to my heart. Interestingly, my other newer interests--reiki and astrology--came into play tonight as well. On the reiki side, I ended up giving a brief spot-treatment to one of the Shambhala teachers who was suffering from sore shoulders, then ended up chatting about reiki with another Shambhala friend. On the astrology side, about 10 minutes after I left Shambhala, I got a call from a Shambhala member (whom I hadn't seen tonight), wanting to give a astrology consultation as a gift to her son. I was just humming over this--it will be my first true paid consultation (not gifted or bartered).
So happy. :-) But also mystified how I really can't pin anything down by my passing moods. Because my mind really wants to grab hold and interpret everything that happens in my life by how it "feels". I would have never predicted after last night, and this morning, that the rest of my day would pan out so nicely. But I am still learning, and will perhaps learn to expect the unexpected, huh? Which is a wonderful idea, because it leaves room for my heart to be touched, and for grace and love to enter. Like today. :-)