Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Day 28: Assuming power, giving up control

Phew.  So, what an interesting balancing act I've been leading recently.  Between self and other, between work and pleasure, between the world as it "should be" and the world as it is, between moving forward and letting go. 

I've been blessed with some pretty awesome mystical experiences lately, in so many areas--teaching intuitively, interpreting astrology with increasing quickness and depth, sharing reiki and experiencing intense and sometimes "trippy" energy flow, etc.  All of this stuff is awesome, and beautiful.  I feel so blessed to be going through this phase in my life, to be experiencing this.

And then there are the other moments, when things don't move the way I think they should.  It goes something like this: I sense the energy in a situation so clearly (especially where others are "stuck" or misunderstand) and I try to shift things and/or to communicate what I see.  Thinking that surely if I find the right words and say them with the right emphasis, if I look someone in the eye, if "share my heart"--then things will "open up" and they will shift.

But again and again, I am being shown that I can't do that.  That it is not my place to play God, to force change on myself or others, even with the "best of intentions".  Which sucks.  I want so badly to be the one to do that.  But I can't.  Ouch.

After tonight's Reiki class, Greg and I once again hung out, as we often do.  In talking, it turned out that he is going through similar frustrations with his new job, in which he is trying to (if I understand correctly) help people who are about to have their homes foreclosed on, to refinance.  This process is often difficult for two reasons: 1) he is trying to "help" people who don't necessarily want the help, or see the need for it (very different then doing a Reiki session!) and 2) because it is a commission-based sales job, he doesn't get paid if client doesn't "sign on".  Very disconcerting if you have your own bills to pay! (And Greg's wife, Katie, is going to school full-time right now, so Greg needs to be the breadwinner.)

In addition to the "failed" attunement experience last week--which we all talked about tonight--this job, for Greg, seems to be another example of having clear vision and best intentions, but not being able to help the other to "make good".  It's frustrating, I know, especially in the job situation.

And a part of me was definitely tied up, tonight, in Greg "getting" what I was saying, so I could help him.  Which is pretty damn ironic, considering that I'm advising him to embody a certain state of energy flow, and then let go of the results.  Ha! Beautiful how, as different as we are, we're mirroring each other pretty well right now.  Same desire to be in control, but to also be liked/appreciated, to affect a change but stay true to oneself. 

Jesus was the absolute master of staying "in truth", uncompromisingly, and also having an open healing heart; he embodied total presence and total submission to God.  Amazing.  What a practice.  And how far I have to go.

I had an e-mail intuitive reading done back in January, and the "reader"/channeler wrote this:

"Another message about past that could be holding you back is don't beat yourself up about other people's free will. You are a direct channel from spirit to the earthworld, you always have been, and you've been called upon in many circumstances to share insight that otherwise would be overlooked or not heard by the individual from their angels because they weren't paying close attention.  You share the channeled info but if the individuals free will comes into play, it is something controlled only by their individual experience and cannot come from you.  What's important to know whether this would be a stranger, or even maybe a child or dear friend close to you, remember that in order to appreciate what something IS, sometimes we HAVE to experience what something is not.  We also cannot possibly put a TRUE sense of value on teachings that are shared with us, if we haven't had a chance to witness the opposite of the teaching first hand, so sometimes when you share and it seems ignored, your guides wish for you to understand that it's not that your words were not taken to heart, but more so, embedded in the heart as one experiences that what you shared, is completely of integral intention."

This is an important reminder, reassurance, correction--all of these--for me, right now.

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