Friday, June 11, 2010

Days 29 and 30: Coming full circle

Phew.  What an amazing couple of days it has been.  And by amazing, of course, I mean alternately maddening, interesting, exhausting, touching and (finally) calm.  Fun! Who doesn't want all of that in two days?!

After surviving yesterday, I looked at yesterday's destiny card this morning (didn't think to look yesterday!), and chuckled.  How fitting (and I"ll explain more in a minute):

The Seven of Hearts indicates that whatever time this card appears could be marked by many challenges in love and feelings in your close relationships. The Seven of Hearts can manifest as betrayal by those we love. In any case, we will be tested to see just how attached we are to others being a certain way.
    Seven, being a highly spiritual number, promises success in love if you try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but also we allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment. Many high spiritual experiences have occurred while a seven was present.

And then I looked at today's destiny card and thought, "Oh no, no more, please."

The Seven of Diamonds is one of the spiritual money cards. When it appears we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
    Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realizing and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.

But, despite receiving some severe tests on both fronts, here I am, a (now) calm and happy surviver.

Yesterday's main obstacle was definitely anger: Anger towards myself (for being "hypocritical" and "not the person I pretend to be") and anger towards others (for unjustly imposing on my time and resources).  I was originally planning to write more about this, but, for the sake of brevity, I have decided not to, tonight.  Suffice to say, the anger was there, and out of proportion.  But it did bring to my attention some places in which I have both (a) not been brutally honest with myself about my own motivations and (b) not set clear boundaries between myself and others and then cried about being "taken advantage" of. 

So, frankly, it was a blessing to have this stuff come up, because I don't like to think of myself as a flawed or angry being, but there it is--I'm human.  And on Wednesday night, I had been just a little smug and high on my spiritual perspective, so a reality check was indeed in order. 

I did have some beautiful experiences on Thursday, however, despite (or even because) of everything.  Alot of the joy was related to Shambhala (my meditation center and lineage) in some way.  I sat and chatted with fellow Shambhalian Cece about life, and about astrology, in the afternoon.  It was wonderful to support each other, to get to know each other (we've never really hung out) and to "geek out" about astrology.  (Speaking of wonderful, check out Cece's blog about spiritual and intuitive matters.)  And, then, in the evening, I volunteered at Shambhala to do "protector practice" for a visiting teacher.  Protector practice is basically "guarding" and "uplifting" the space by maintaining a meditative awareness--and thus lifting the vibration of the room (my perspective, and experience, funny as it sounds)--during a teacher's talk.  This helps the teacher to teach, helps the listeners to absorb, allows everyone to feels safe--both energetically and physically, since we do play a security role--and, for me? Well, it just feels good to practice. 

I did have another conversation with another fellow Shambhalian, though, on the way home, which felt pretty one-sided (and long-winded, at about 40 minutes!), so the anger flared up again there--more privately than anything (as I didn't express how I felt to him--there's the rub!).  But, this gave me an opportunity to write out some "voice dialogues"--e.g., writing from the disowned voice of anger/resentment, and reowning it--which was therapeutic.  (If you're curious,  check out more about the "Big Mind" process, which involves voice dialoguing, here.)

Finally I ended the evening by giving Reiki distance healing to my "Reiki swap" partner, which was also healing to me.  Even better, he ended up giving me some Reiki distance healing in response today, at a time when I could really use it.

I'll try to explain today's "Seven of Diamonds" fiasco in a nutshell:

Normally, I teach a Music Together (music and movement) class at the Olenka School of Music on Friday mornings at 11:30.  However, I had a preschool graduation to play at this morning about 20-5 miles away, which started at 10:00.  Usually, these preschool programs last 30-40 minutes, tops.  So, I bumped the Music Together class back 15 minutes, to give myself a little extra driving time and make sure everything proceeded smoothly.

Wrong.  The program lasted an hour (the upper limit of what I thought would happen), I got parked into my spot (which gave me just enough time to call Olenka in a panic and upset her, before the car owner came), and I hit some roadwork on the way down to the music school.  I ended up arriving at 11:53, finding only one Mom/daughter pair waiting--the one who was somewhat standoffish and not inclined to stay.  So, she left.  Another mom showed up a couple minutes later, to find me crying about how badly I had messed everything up.  She was very nice, and reassuring, and said we could make it up later, no problem.  Then, she left. 

So, it took a while,. but with the help of the school's co-director, I managed to confirm a make-up time and call back all the class members (only 5).  Phew.  But I was very anxious about all of that.  Receiving the distance reiki at 12:30 was perfect timing to help clear up all of this stuck emotional residue.

And, again, circling back to the first entry. . . It was nice spending some time with Keith tonight.  We talked about my issues (earlier) and his issues (later over dinner), sandwiching a voice lesson and reiki session (treating his knee, back, etc.) in between.  All of which was very nice.

And we celebrated my 30th day of writing, of course. :-) I must say, I have not been perfect--and particularly in my off-and-on meditation--but the challenge has been well worth it, and very therepeutic.  So, thank you, Keith for suggesting it.  And thank you to myself for taking it on. ;-) And thank you, dear readers, for following along.  Blessings to us all.

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